Honest talk about pain & struggles!

I'm struggling. I'm struggling a lot. I'm not supposed to. And I'm definitely not supposed to talk about struggling... WHAT????!!

Ever feel like that? Ever feel like that since you are a Christian, you are to live this perfect life where every thing is rosy & you have no problems? For some crazy reason, we Christians think that just because we accept Christ as our Savior, suddenly everything in life is perfect. And if it's not, we feel like we've failed God & everyone around us.

Life isn't perfect. Jesus even told us we would have troubles. John 16:33 says "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Jesus said we will have trouble. He didn't say come to me & all trouble will disappear. He said come to me so I can give you peace when you have trouble.

Why do we have troubles, pains, imperfections, etc? I truly believe a lot of it is because we live in a world ravaged by sin. Sin destroyed God's perfect creation. This world is flawed. Because of this, we will have storms, natural disasters, imperfect people, sickness & strife. But sometimes we have troubles because God wants to bring us to our knees & have us confess sin in our lives. It could also be that God has allowed Satan to sift us so that God will be glorified. We may never know the why? behind our suffering/struggling.

But we can know the God of the universe, the Creator, the Savior of the world who gives peace! The peace God gives is beyond explanation! In John 14:27, Jesus says " Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

This peace is not the absence of troubles or suffering. This peace is a calmness of soul, spirit & mind. It's a gentle inward assurance that even though things look bad, real bad, God is still in control and He will carry me through this.

How do I know this is true? Because I've experienced it first hand, time and time again. My story is not unique. It is one many people around the world experience. Mine is one of a body wracked with physical pain. It may not be your story for each story is unique. But whatever your story, Jesus is Here! He's waiting to give you Peace!

I've had pain since I was a child. I can't remember a time when I didn't hurt. But I've always known God was there to carry me through the pain. My pain has been given many names & progressed in severity over time - growing pains, cystic arthritis, fibromyalgia & now maybe something more severe & damaging. I go through a period of struggle each time it gets worse and I wait for a new diagnosis.

I wonder "why me?" I cry out in fear for strength. I question God. Yes, I said "I question God!" He's big enough to handle my questions. I don't blame God, but I do ask why me? Why now? Sometimes the only answer I get is "Trust ME!" and somehow it's enough.

As I look back, I can see how this life of physical pain has drawn me closer to Jesus! When doctors & loved ones can give you NO relief, Jesus is the One who can! It may only be Peace of mind & strength to endure the pain or it may be an easing of the pain. But His relief is always what I need!

I can honestly say I would not trade one bit of my life! Yes, it has been painful at times. But without the pain, I might have walked away from My Savior! Without those sleepless nights, I might not have had time to pray for others! Without my experiences with pain, I might not be able to encourage others in pain & assure them that God WILL carry them through. Without my pain, I would not KNOW that God is all I need!

Struggling

As I sit here typing, the sky is calm for the moment. But my body is not. Every muscle is screaming. My muscles are tight with knots in them. My joints feel like they need to be popped. I'm at the same time exhausted & keyed up. I have a tinge of a headache that threatens to become a migraine. I'm also having numb/tingling sensations in my cheeks, arms & feet. On top of this, my emotions threaten to spill out everywhere. I've been moody & edgy all day.

Why? Because I have fibromyalgia. My body is over stimulated. Normal activity can sometimes cause extreme pain. Other times it doesn't bother me. My body is a human barometer. I can feel the weather changing. We are under a tornado watch as I type this. We have a front stalled over us & I can feel it. My body is anticipating it. It is tight & on edge. When the front actually arrives, I will get a little relief.

I try not to dwell on my fibromyalgia. It's just a fact of life for me. I've been diagnosed for 14 yrs now, but I think I've had it all my life. I don't remember ever NOT hurting. You just have to push through it. Sometimes you take it easier. Sometimes you rest more. BUT you never give in to the pain. Because if you do, you end up in bed & down for a long time. The months I gave in to it (14 yrs ago) were the darkest days of my life.

But today I'm really struggling. So I'm writing to let you all know so you can pray for me. Sometimes when I hurt, I become short tempered. Today I've yelled at my kids. They are now upstairs playing quietly. They are so very good for me when I'm really hurting bad. But I feel horrible for not being able to do things with them.  Sometimes, like today, I can't stand to be touched. It's so hard to not hug them, so I do & try not to jump out of my own skin as I do it. Hubby traveling makes it harder. He's not here to give me a break or to rub my tight muscles. I know it's hard on him too to know I'm hurting & he's not here.

One of the worst things about having fibromyalgia is how fast an episode hits you. One minute I'm doing great. The next I'm hurting more than words can express. When I'm hurting, it's hard to concentrate. I tend to get very quiet. It takes all my energy to concentrate on what others are saying which is why I tend to become reclusive on those days. This of course leads to a downward spiral if I'm not careful.  So I try to get active on Facebook or Twitter when I'm having a bad day so I concentrate on what others are doing & not just myself. I have lots of friends who have fibromyalgia. When I'm hurting, I know they are too. So I pray for them a lot! It gets my mind off me & onto them.

If you'd pass me in the store or on the street, you would never know the war that goes on within my body. Most days I hide it pretty well. Today, not so much. I know I was limping & moving slow at Bible study today. The girls also said it showed in my eyes. When you can see physical symptoms, you know I'm doing bad. I don't hide my pain to be deceptive. I hide it because I figure most people have their own problems & don't need to hear about my pain.

So, this is a rare glimpse inside of me! A small peek at what it's like to live with fibromyalgia. It's painful, but I'm thankful for this journey. Because of it, I've been able to reach out to others living in pain. I've become more compassionate to others who hurt. I've felt God's presence in such a real, comforting way. For when you are hurting & there's nothing a doctor can do, you turn to God. He may not have taken my physical pain away, but He's given me peace & comfort. I'm not alone in my struggle. God is right here with me. He gives me the strength to make it through these rough days. Without Him, I would have given up years ago!