I've struggled with my weight all my life. I don't know if I can pinpoint any one thing that contributed to this. But lately I've done a lot of thinking about this. I knew I had to figure this out if I wanted to get healthy.
Part of it is genetics. I have a large frame. So even when I was at a healthy weight, I was bigger than most of the girls. Naturally being a size 12 or 14 was never easy. I'll never be a size 6!
Some of my weight problem stemmed from a grandma being over critical of my size. She didn't mean to be mean. She had her own life-long fight with weight & I just think she didn't want me to follow in her footsteps. But the more she said "you've gained weight, haven't you" the more I obsessed with food.
Another source of my unhealthy weight was boys. I saw how the boys treated the good looking girls. They were only interested in dating & using them. I, being heavier, was treated differently. They saw me more as "one of the guys". I liked being friends with them. I didn't want to date as it always ended painfully. So in my warped mind, I used my weight to protect myself. Then once I found the one, I used my weight to keep all others away.
Another factor in my weight struggle was all my past doctors. They all harped on me about my weight & put me on many different eating plans. I was so obsessed with counting calories or points that I became obsessed with food. When you are obsessed with food, you tend to eat more.
I think another factor in my weight struggles has been the type of eating plans recommended for me. The food pyramid does NOT work for me. Counting calories does NOT work for me. Balanced eating does NOT worked for me. The more carbs that I eat, the more I crave them.
The last factor I want to mention is a little thing called Fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed with it in 1997 but I think I've had it all my life. Pain has a way of beating you down. I've been given so many meds that just made my weight yo-yo. I was looking to doctors for a cure. Even though I knew there wasn't one.
Why is hashing out all these factors important? Because, I had to see what wasn't working in my life. I had to see the excuses I was hanging onto or hiding behind. I had to see what I was hiding behind instead of living a healthy life. Once I laid all these excuses on the table, I had to take a good look at myself. That was painful.
Stepping on the scale at the doctor & reading 295 was the most crushing thing to me. I knew I was at a crossroads. Was I going to continue this path & become disabled or die before my kids grew up? Or was I going to get healthy?
I went home & cried. I prayed & cried some more. God whispered to me "Your weight is not you. I see you differently." This small whisper in my thoughts sent me to my Bible. Even though I've studied this before, this time it was different. I looked up verses on what I meant to God. He loves me. I am His daughter. He chose me before time began! He is the King of Kings & I am His princess.
Somehow I had never believed this, but that afternoon, I really did believe it! I cried more. Then I asked God to forgive me for not seeing myself as He does. I gave Him all my excuses, all the lies I'd made myself believe & all my fears of failing. Something changed in me that afternoon.
I desired to be healthy. God filled me with the cravings for meat & veggies & fruit. God gave me a desire to walk. He took away all my excuses for being the way i was. He also gave me the freedom to tell you all that I needed to change & to ask for prayer. That was a big deal. It's hard to ask for prayer in an area where you've failed so many times!
Over the past 3 weeks, I have been blessed by those who are walking with me on my journey. It humbles me to see so many praying for me. It fills my heart with joy to know I have tons of people encouraging me! I think of you all & pray for each of you as I walk. I can't wait to see where this journey we call life takes us!