What a Nasty Person!!

And no, I'm not talking about anyone else. I'm talking about myself. Have you ever had one of those moments when you realize you are a disgusting, vile person. It's really ugly when you realize you have such hatred, such bitterness, such pettiness, such selfishness in you. I mean, you aren't a bad person as far as the world is concerned....you don't drink, you don't smoke, you love your family, you go to church.

BUT, inside your heart is awful. How could anyone love you? How could someone die for you? At that moment, I was overwhelmed that Jesus would come to this broken world & die for me so that I might be saved. I don't deserve that...never in a million years. I'm so nasty, so evil, so flawed...yet God showers me with His Grace....Grace undeserved. Jesus' blood covers my sin, my evil.

And even more unthinkable is that He takes this broken, nasty person & make something beautiful out of it. He uses me, in my awful state, to bring glory to Himself. He works all things out in this life for His good! All I have to do is admit I'm sinful & ask His forgiveness. That sweet sweet forgiveness, that He pours on me so readily. And then He blesses me again & again. Despite myself, He has blessed me with 3 beautiful kids, with a wonderful, loving, patient husband, a wonderful family & a great church family. I don't deserve any of it! It's Grace! God's wonderful, bountiful, undeserved, incomprehensible grace!

Only God could take an awful, nasty, petty, flawed person and turn her into something beautiful, broken but beautiful! All I can do is Praise HIM!!

Overwhelmed

Do you ever get to the point where everything just overwhelms you? I'm there. So I decide today to write about a few of the things that overwhelm me & what I'm doing to change that.

1. My house is overwhelming me. It is so cluttered & messy. So, I've started decluttering. Just wish I could get it done faster. I have my kitchen and my garage done. I'm also working on my bathroom & Jeff's cds & DVDs. I still need to finish my bathroom & closet. Then I need to do my desk. Then the big jobs need done - the spare room & Jeff's computer area in the living room.

2. our schedule is overwhelming me. We aren't dealing well with adjusting when Jeff leaves & comes home. Plus it seems like we just run run run. Sunday is church, Tuesday is Bible Study & Homeschool Gym, Wed is Word of Life, Thursday is dance. I also have OT in there & any other meetings that crop up at church. Then when you throw picking up Jeff & dropping Jeff off at the airport into the mix, It's all a little overwhelming! I also have to fit in school too. I don't have a solution to this problem yet. Maybe it's more of an attitude adjustment for myself about all of this.

I think my biggest problem is I let my outlook be influenced by my feelings. I need to stop living by my feelings. My feelings are so unstable at times. I let myself give into the feelings & get overwhelmed. Yes, I do have some actual steps I can take to help that overwhelmed feeling, but a lot of the problem is living according to those feelings. I get overwhelmed, then I get moody. Then I get grouchy. Then I become hard to live with. Then it rubs off on hubby & the kids & they become hard to live with which makes me grouchier. All because I let my feelings run my life. God, help me to live the way You want me to & not live according to my feelings of the moment.

Rambling

I don't really have a topic today. Just noticed I hadn't updated in a while. Things are going ok. We are having a little trouble with the kids picking up their toys. It's a constant struggle & I'm not really sure how to deal with it. It usually ends in yelling (yes, I know yelling is not good). I know I've trained them to only respond to yelling but I can't seem to get us out of this viscous circle! Then I end up feeling like a horrible mom.

Plus this week I'm dealing with hormones & headaches so that make me irritable. Fortunately, Jeff is coming home tonight! He is home for 4 whole days then on Thursday, he & I head to DE where he is working. A nice break for me.

I feel like I've been under attack this week. My defenses are down since I've not been feeling the best & Satan has been working overtime on trying to convince me I'm a bad mom. Then all the afraid feelings. Just a hard week. But I've been clinging to God & He has brought me through it. Some weeks we sail through & other weeks we are just happy to have made it through alive!

As you can see, this is just a rambling mess. So, if you thought I had it all together, you can clearly see that I don't. I struggle, but God is faithful to take even my weak attempts & turn them to good. Every day, Heaven looks better & better. To have no struggles, no pain, no anger, no doubts....to just be in the presence of Jesus....ah....

"I don't think I could do it"

That is the most common thing I've heard from everyone whenever they talk to me about Jeff's traveling job. The conversation goes something like this:
"How's Jeff liking the new Job?"
"Fine. He seems to be adjusting to it well"
"How are you doing with him gone all the time?"
"Pretty good. We get to talk to him on Skype all the time, so that helps."
"Well, I don't think I could do it!"

So, I've been thinking about this. The only thing I can say in answer to that is "I'm not doing it. God is." The human part of me is screaming that Jeff needs to be home & I can't be on my own with 3 kids for 4-5 days a week. But then I look at this & can see God's hand. He put us here. He is guiding me. It is working. Yes, I miss Jeff when he's gone...like crazy. But things are going smoothly & everything is working good. So God must be doing this for us.

You know, I probably would say the same thing to someone in my situation. But now, I don't think I'll ever say that again. Now I see that if God puts me in a tough situation, He'll enable me "to do it!" He has plans for me that are higher than what I could even dream. I just can't think on that level so I just have to accept that if He put us on this path, He'll provide the way. So I know that I can do it if it is God's will for me!!

Harder

So, it's the 2nd night of the 2nd week of Jeff being gone. It's harder. I'm finding I'm going to God more in prayer. I need His help. I don't have the strength to do this on my own. But God is merciful & is giving me the grace I need to make it through. I'm not sure why we are doing this, but I know that on the other side of this, I will know that God is faithful & that He alone is who carried me through this. Maybe that's why we have to go through this....so I'll be totally dependent upon God...and not Jeff or myself. Total dependence on God for His power, His presence, His peace & His protection. What more can I say but "God, I need You! I'm desperate for You!"