Trusting & letting go of control!

God tells us again & again to trust in Him, to fear not, to worry not because He loves us & cares for us! But in our human nature, that is so hard! Time & time again, I pick those worries & fears up instead of leaving them at His feet.

I finally figured out why I struggle with trust. It's because I think I know best. I think if I'm in control of it all, then I can work it all out the way I want things to come out. Only 1 thing wrong with this thinking, I'm NOT in control of anything. I think I am, but I'm not.

Sometimes I think I must really be a source of absolute amusement for God. He must sit there just shaking His head at me while trying not to laugh while I'm trying to do everything & be everything to everyone. Much like I get amused when one of my kids try to do an adult task that they clearly have no ability to master.

The longer I live, the more I realize that I have absolutely no control over anything. Only God does! Since He knows all & sees all, I can trust Him to lead me where I need to go.

I share all this so I can tell you about my weekend. We had homeschool conference in Cincy on Thursday through Saturday. 6 hrs on Thursday, 14 hrs on Friday & 9 hrs on Saturday of walking, looking at curriculum, sitting in workshops & being around thousands of people. Follow this up with a very busy Sunday which included Hubby heading off for his first travel assignment in 3 months!

Amazing! That's the only word to describe it! I still hurt, I still was tired & I still had a few moments of total neurological overload. BUT I had such peace & knew God was carrying me through each moment of the weekend. I made it through the conference & even was able to help with a reception at church on Sunday & have kids over to play. I made it through! And I'm not crashing today! I'm sore & tired but not completely crashing!I started to stress over this all last week. But decided that God knew I was in a Fibromyalgia flare-up & knew all the weekend involved. So, I decided to trust Him. I asked my prayer warrior friends & family to pray for me. Then I resolved to trust God & head into the long weekend activities.

I can not find the words to adequately thank God for carrying me through! I'm so thankful to all my faithful prayer warriors for their part in this weekend! What a difference it made!

 

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Things I wish I could have told my teenage self!

I think about this topic a lot lately. I have lots of teens & young adults in my life. I see myself in their shoes. So many of them struggle with things I struggled with. Things that really weren't important in the long term. So here is the list of things I would go back in time & tell myself:

1. Don't worry about dating! - I am no longer the person I was in high school. The things I wanted in a guy then is not what I wanted when I started thinking about marriage. I wish I had worried less about dating & more about hanging out with friends. How could I even think of loving someone else when at that time I didn't really know what love was. I wasted so much time & so many tears on guys who were not Husband material.

2. Focus on finding out who God made me to be! - I wish I had spent more time getting to know God & exploring the gifts He equipped me with. I wish I would have found a mentor to study God's Word with. I wish I would have tried serving in different capacities in my church to find out what my gifts were. I also wish I had memorized more scripture. It is much harder to memorize when you are in your 40s!

3. Don't worry about being popular! - when in high school, there is lots of pressure to be in the in crowd. I wish I had worried less about that & instead cultured my friendships with those I had common interests. Once you get out of school, you look for those who like the same things you do. You never again try to force yourself to be friends with people just because you are the same age. You choose friends who have the same beliefs, or who have the same career or who live in the same area.

4. Stop trying to grow up so fast! - I remember as a teen wishing time would fly & I could be out of this stage of life. Now I look back & wish I could go back. That time had less responsibility & worry. If I had focused on what I could do back then, I might have enjoyed it more.

5. Start good habits! - I wish I had started exercising regularly & eating healthier back then. I also wish I had learned good money management skills. It's easier to start good habits when you are younger & harder to break bad habits when you are older.

6. Listen to your parents! - I know I thought mine didn't understand me, but now I see that they did. They could see a bigger picture of life. They knew there was more to life than high school. They didn't always do things right, as they were human after all. But they always had my best interests at heart.

7. You do not have to be like everyone else! - I think the biggest lie I believed as a teen was that I needed to be just like everyone else. Guess what? There is no "normal" person. God made each person unique & most teens feel like they are different. You have a choice: try to be just like everyone else or embrace your uniqueness & be happy with who you are. This goes back to point 2. By focusing on God's Word & learning about His love for you, you will be able to embrace life & become who He made you to be.

Life as a teen is hard. I struggled emotionally. But God was Faithful! He helped me to stay strong & faithful in my walk with Him. Because of Him, my life became a witness to those I grew up with. If you lean on Him, study His Word & find some other Christians to encourage you, God will use you too!! Seeing God work in my life over the years makes life exciting! I eagerly anticipate what God will do next in my life.

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I should be panicked!

My Hubby is a medical software trainer since 2006. Since 2008, he has been on the road traveling to locations all over the U.S. training doctors & nurses. During this time he has worked for 5 different companies.

His current company will pay up to 90 days if they don't have an assignment for you. It's called bench time. Well, Hubby's bench time ends on Thursday. Hence the title of this post.

I should be panicked, but I'm not. I know that God is in control. He has a plan for us that is better than I could imagine or plan myself. I'm excited to see how God provides for us.

Will He provide another travel job that carries us all over the country again? Will He provide a job near home giving us a more "normal" life again? Will He move us to some other state?

I don't know, but I'm excited to see where this all leads. How is God going to use us & shine is light through our situation?? I'll keep ya all posted...

 

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Excuses no more!

I've struggled with my weight all my life. I don't know if I can pinpoint any one thing that contributed to this. But lately I've done a lot of thinking about this. I knew I had to figure this out if I wanted to get healthy.

Part of it is genetics. I have a large frame. So even when I was at a healthy weight, I was bigger than most of the girls. Naturally being a size 12 or 14 was never easy. I'll never be a size 6!

Some of my weight problem stemmed from a grandma being over critical of my size. She didn't mean to be mean. She had her own life-long fight with weight & I just think she didn't want me to follow in her footsteps. But the more she said "you've gained weight, haven't you" the more I obsessed with food.

Another source of my unhealthy weight was boys. I saw how the boys treated the good looking girls. They were only interested in dating & using them. I, being heavier, was treated differently. They saw me more as "one of the guys". I liked being friends with them. I didn't want to date as it always ended painfully. So in my warped mind, I used my weight to protect myself. Then once I found the one, I used my weight to keep all others away.

Another factor in my weight struggle was all my past doctors. They all harped on me about my weight & put me on many different eating plans. I was so obsessed with counting calories or points that I became obsessed with food. When you are obsessed with food, you tend to eat more.

I think another factor in my weight struggles has been the type of eating plans recommended for me. The food pyramid does NOT work for me. Counting calories does NOT work for me. Balanced eating does NOT worked for me. The more carbs that I eat, the more I crave them.

The last factor I want to mention is a little thing called Fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed with it in 1997 but I think I've had it all my life. Pain has a way of beating you down. I've been given so many meds that just made my weight yo-yo. I was looking to doctors for a cure. Even though I knew there wasn't one.

Why is hashing out all these factors important? Because, I had to see what wasn't working in my life. I had to see the excuses I was hanging onto or hiding behind. I had to see what I was hiding behind instead of living a healthy life. Once I laid all these excuses on the table, I had to take a good look at myself. That was painful.

Stepping on the scale at the doctor & reading 295 was the most crushing thing to me. I knew I was at a crossroads. Was I going to continue this path & become disabled or die before my kids grew up? Or was I going to get healthy?

I went home & cried. I prayed & cried some more. God whispered to me "Your weight is not you. I see you differently." This small whisper in my thoughts sent me to my Bible. Even though I've studied this before, this time it was different. I looked up verses on what I meant to God. He loves me. I am His daughter. He chose me before time began! He is the King of Kings & I am His princess.

Somehow I had never believed this, but that afternoon, I really did believe it! I cried more. Then I asked God to forgive me for not seeing myself as He does. I gave Him all my excuses, all the lies I'd made myself believe & all my fears of failing. Something changed in me that afternoon.

I desired to be healthy. God filled me with the cravings for meat & veggies & fruit. God gave me a desire to walk. He took away all my excuses for being the way i was. He also gave me the freedom to tell you all that I needed to change & to ask for prayer. That was a big deal. It's hard to ask for prayer in an area where you've failed so many times!

Over the past 3 weeks, I have been blessed by those who are walking with me on my journey. It humbles me to see so many praying for me. It fills my heart with joy to know I have tons of people encouraging me! I think of you all & pray for each of you as I walk. I can't wait to see where this journey we call life takes us!

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Honest talk about pain & struggles!

I'm struggling. I'm struggling a lot. I'm not supposed to. And I'm definitely not supposed to talk about struggling... WHAT????!!

Ever feel like that? Ever feel like that since you are a Christian, you are to live this perfect life where every thing is rosy & you have no problems? For some crazy reason, we Christians think that just because we accept Christ as our Savior, suddenly everything in life is perfect. And if it's not, we feel like we've failed God & everyone around us.

Life isn't perfect. Jesus even told us we would have troubles. John 16:33 says "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Jesus said we will have trouble. He didn't say come to me & all trouble will disappear. He said come to me so I can give you peace when you have trouble.

Why do we have troubles, pains, imperfections, etc? I truly believe a lot of it is because we live in a world ravaged by sin. Sin destroyed God's perfect creation. This world is flawed. Because of this, we will have storms, natural disasters, imperfect people, sickness & strife. But sometimes we have troubles because God wants to bring us to our knees & have us confess sin in our lives. It could also be that God has allowed Satan to sift us so that God will be glorified. We may never know the why? behind our suffering/struggling.

But we can know the God of the universe, the Creator, the Savior of the world who gives peace! The peace God gives is beyond explanation! In John 14:27, Jesus says " Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

This peace is not the absence of troubles or suffering. This peace is a calmness of soul, spirit & mind. It's a gentle inward assurance that even though things look bad, real bad, God is still in control and He will carry me through this.

How do I know this is true? Because I've experienced it first hand, time and time again. My story is not unique. It is one many people around the world experience. Mine is one of a body wracked with physical pain. It may not be your story for each story is unique. But whatever your story, Jesus is Here! He's waiting to give you Peace!

I've had pain since I was a child. I can't remember a time when I didn't hurt. But I've always known God was there to carry me through the pain. My pain has been given many names & progressed in severity over time - growing pains, cystic arthritis, fibromyalgia & now maybe something more severe & damaging. I go through a period of struggle each time it gets worse and I wait for a new diagnosis.

I wonder "why me?" I cry out in fear for strength. I question God. Yes, I said "I question God!" He's big enough to handle my questions. I don't blame God, but I do ask why me? Why now? Sometimes the only answer I get is "Trust ME!" and somehow it's enough.

As I look back, I can see how this life of physical pain has drawn me closer to Jesus! When doctors & loved ones can give you NO relief, Jesus is the One who can! It may only be Peace of mind & strength to endure the pain or it may be an easing of the pain. But His relief is always what I need!

I can honestly say I would not trade one bit of my life! Yes, it has been painful at times. But without the pain, I might have walked away from My Savior! Without those sleepless nights, I might not have had time to pray for others! Without my experiences with pain, I might not be able to encourage others in pain & assure them that God WILL carry them through. Without my pain, I would not KNOW that God is all I need!

Deeper Still

This past weekend, I attended Deeper Still with a wonderful group of ladies from my church. What is Deeper Still? you ask. It is a conference that was put on by LifeWay Women. It included wonderful worship lead by Travis Cottrell and his worship team. It also was a weekend of wonderful teaching by 3 generations of women: Kay Arthur, Beth Moore & Priscilla Shirer. There have been 10 Deeper Still events over 5 years. I attended the 2nd one in Nashville in 2007 & now the last one in Louisville.

Before I went, God had laid on my heart that I need to be anticipating His working in me. I was to go expecting Him to change me. I blogged about it here - http://jelejada.blogspot.com/2011/06/what-are-you-expecting.html . When I got there, one of the first things Kay Arthur said is "What are you expecting God to do in your life this weekend?". I got so excited anticipating what God was going to do. I was amazed at how God used each speaker to challenge me, encourage me & even rebuke me!

Over the next week or so, I plan to blog about each session & what God taught me from each. But this post is just a general overview of the weekend & what it meant to me.

As I prepared to go to Deeper Still, I was worn out physically, emotionally & spiritually. It's been a rough month. Hubby is back to traveling almost full time. Homeschooling year ended right on time as I was ready to quit. Kids seemed to be extra trying. I seemed to be extra grouchy. My fibromyalgia seemed to be flaring more. I was barely making it through the days with all things considered. I wasn't living, I was surviving.

I really didn't know how I was going to function or even enjoy the weekend. Earlier last week, God started preparing me. He drew me into His Word & putting excitement & anticipation into my heart. So I left for the conference worn out but anticipating.

I had no idea what God was going to speak to my heart & that He would start as soon as the first session started. We were sitting 2 rows from the stage. In front of us were the piano & drum set. As I stood their singing, I noticed how passionate the drummer was about drumming for the Lord. He put his all into those worship songs. God whispered to me "Are you putting your all into worshiping me?" The tears started to flow as I sang & prayed. I asked God to clear my thoughts of all the worries I was carrying, of all the doubts I had & of all the concerns on my mind & just let me focus on Him. Those around me probably thought I was strange, but I honestly wasn't aware if they were. I just focused on my Savior & worshiping Him! I was free! Free to praise my Savior! Free to focus on Him! Free of my fears, my failures, my doubt, my selfishness, me! I believe God gave me just a glimpse of what it will be like to praise Him in Heaven where He will be our all, our passion!

After that refreshing encounter with my Savior, the rest of the weekend was just icing on the cake. I was changed! Yes, I still have the same worries, doubts & concerns. I'm still tired. I'm still achy. But my heart is changed. I know, that these will all pass away! Only God is forever! I know that He loves me & that whatever I face, I can face it! I am free to anticipate what God is going to do & expect Him to answer my prayers! Travis Cottrell taught us a new us a new song called "I am Changed." The lyrics say "Now it is not I but it is Christ living in me. I'm Changed because of You Oh Lord!" "This is the Life that I now live. I life by faith!" So I no longer am just going to survive! I am changed & I am going to live for my Lord! I'm going Deeper Still with my Savior!

Update on life with traveling hubby!

Hubby has been traveling for 2 1/2 years now. I'm very thankful he has a job at all, but a traveling job when you have a family is very hard. And now it seems harder since he had an assignment here in town for 3 months. We were so blessed to have him home every night for those 3 months.

We know this is the way it has to be for right now as God led him to this job & no other job has been provided for him. So, we must deal with what we've been given. I know that God will give us the strength to get through this. I just keep praying for another job or something better.

Right now, it seems like this is an almost impossible thing to bear. My fibromyalgia has been flaring more this month. Allergies have got my kids feeling miserable. All 3 have coughs. Breathing treatments are happening every 4 hrs. All this rain & storms are not helping any. And on top of all this, my attitude isn't helping. During the week, I'm just waiting for Friday night to come. I'm trying really hard to live in the moment, but I'm struggling.

I feel guilty because I'm struggling. I'm not dying. I don't have any major sickness. My kids are relatively healthy & these allergies will pass. My hubby is still alive & comes home every weekend. I may have pain, but I know it won't cause permanent damage to my body. My life is relatively drama free. My family is fairly normal. I have lots of friends both locally & online. Then why am I struggling so???

I'm not really sure. I think it is a combination of hormones(too many emotions!), the weather (too little sunshine!),  fibromyalgia (too much pain!) & separation (too little hubby!). I also think it is weakness. Why? I think Satan knows my weakness(all above) & uses that to put discontent, doubt & discouragement in my mind. I'm thinking I need to spend more time in prayer & Bible study with my Savior! I also covet your prayers for me, my kids & for hubby.

Just wanted to share my struggles right now. We are struggling here at home while hubby travels, but it will get easier & it will get better. The kids are doing okay. They miss daddy a lot, but they soldier through. Hopefully we will soon get to travel with hubby. Our schedule is tight right now, but I am working to free up our schedule so we can go when the opportunity arises. I know that being transparent, I'm helping myself & maybe helping someone else who is struggling. It's so easy to hide & keep all the feelings inside, but it does nothing but cause depression & pain! Which leads to more struggling!

How do you handle stress?

There are times in our life when the stress of life is more than you think you can handle. I just had one of those weeks.

Last Wednesday, my Mamaw fell & got taken to the hospital. I so wanted to be there with her but Jamie had been coughing so I didn't want to get my Mamaw sick.

Then all during the night on Wednesday, Jamie was coughing like crazy. I called the doctor on Thursday morning thinking Jamie just had a respiratory infection. By the time we arrived at the doctor, Jamie didn't look so good. She wasn't very perky & looked a little blue. And she wasn't talking much, which is unheard of with Jamie. To the left is a picture of Jamie when we first got to the doctor's office.

Within 15 minutes of arriving at the doctor's, I went from slightly concerned to very concerned. Jamie had 3 breathing treatments, a nose swab for flu (negative) & a chest x-ray for pneumonia (negative). Then we were told she HAD to go to the hospital. She was not moving air through her lungs. We were held at the doctor's office until the hospital had a room ready for us as the doctors where afraid Jamie would get in trouble. After almost 5 hours at the doctor's, a room was ready & we headed to the hospital.

On arrival at the hospital, Jamie was put on monitors & her oxygen was at 89%. Jamie was put on constant Albuterol breathing treatment. She ended up being on it for 3 1/2 hours. I felt so sorry for her as she went almost 24 hours without eating. During this time, Jamie was very quiet & hardly talked.  When she did talk, she would gasp between words. She was struggling for every breath.

Jeff's wonderful parents came down quickly to take Jess & David for us as they were with us this whole time. Jeff, his parents & Jess & David went to get food as none of us had had lunch.

After they left, the doctor came in to talk to me about Jamie. He told me they were very concerned about her inability to move air through her lungs. If this constant treatment didn't work, she was going to be moved to PICU (Pediatric Intensive Care Unit). After he left, my parents arrived. For the first time, I broke down when my dad & I stepped out in the hall. He told me doctors at my Mamaw's hospital wanted to move her to a nursing home. The combination of these 2 bad things just broke me. But I said a quick prayer & pulled myself together as I needed to be strong for Jamie.

Fortunately, the treatment helped & air started moving a little through her upper lobes of her lungs. They took her off continuous breathing treatment & let her eat. She was then put on treatments every 2 hours for the next 24. Slowly she started responding to the treatment.

As you can tell, she looks a little better. It was at this point, I realized we were in for a long, several day process to recovery. I knew that if I was going to handle the stress of Jamie & my Mamaw, I was going to need support. So, besides the twittering & facebooking of requests, I reached out to a handful of friends that I know are great "Prayer Warriors". I messaged them & told them specific things that needed prayed for. Things that needed to happen for my Mamaw & things that needed to happen for Jamie. As I sent out those messages, I rested in the fact that God was in control & I knew I, as well as Jamie & Mamaw, were covered in prayer. What a relief! I just sat back & rested in God's arms. I waited to see how God would work.

And boy, did God work. I was amazed at how God moved in my Mamaw's situation. He changed opinions of family members, He changed opinions of the doctor & He allowed my Mamaw to walk & impress the physical therapist. My Mamaw went home on Friday! It's going to be a long, hard road for my Mamaw & for her kids & grandkids who are taking care of her. BUT she's home, where she wants to be!

And God worked in Jamie's lungs. Slowly, he started opening her lungs. Lungs that sounded like an Asthmatic's in a severe asthma attack soon started moving air. By Friday afternoon, Jamie was talking like crazy & felt up to playing games. Thanks to Child Life services, Jamie spent a lot of Friday night & Saturday morning making bead bracelets. By Saturday night at 8pm, we were coming home! We continued breathing inhaler treatment every 4 hrs for 1st 24 hours we were home. Then only as needed. In the last 24 hours, Jamie has only needed 1 treatment.

Not only has God worked in healing Jamie's lungs, but He has kept me from having a fibromyalgia flare-up. Stress is a big factor in my flare-ups. Also, I was in a cool hospital room & slept in chairs & on hard couches. I also had very little sleep. I should have been in a complete flare with tons of pain. But I wasn't! Why? Prayer!!

So, if anyone wants to know how I handle stress, I'll be glad to tell you! I handle it by praying! And by having wonderful friends who pray for me & with me! By handing it all over to God & trusting He would answer the prayers of His Saints, I was able to relax & not get stressed!

God is good! He promises if we cast our cares on Him that He will give us rest, because He cares for us! (Psalm 55:22 & I Peter 5:7). So when you are stressed, I have a couple of things to do. 1. Pray to God! He will help you! 2. Reach out to friends that you know will pray for you & will encourage you! 3. Then rest in God's arms! It worked for me & I know it will work for you!