Struggling

As I sit here typing, the sky is calm for the moment. But my body is not. Every muscle is screaming. My muscles are tight with knots in them. My joints feel like they need to be popped. I'm at the same time exhausted & keyed up. I have a tinge of a headache that threatens to become a migraine. I'm also having numb/tingling sensations in my cheeks, arms & feet. On top of this, my emotions threaten to spill out everywhere. I've been moody & edgy all day.

Why? Because I have fibromyalgia. My body is over stimulated. Normal activity can sometimes cause extreme pain. Other times it doesn't bother me. My body is a human barometer. I can feel the weather changing. We are under a tornado watch as I type this. We have a front stalled over us & I can feel it. My body is anticipating it. It is tight & on edge. When the front actually arrives, I will get a little relief.

I try not to dwell on my fibromyalgia. It's just a fact of life for me. I've been diagnosed for 14 yrs now, but I think I've had it all my life. I don't remember ever NOT hurting. You just have to push through it. Sometimes you take it easier. Sometimes you rest more. BUT you never give in to the pain. Because if you do, you end up in bed & down for a long time. The months I gave in to it (14 yrs ago) were the darkest days of my life.

But today I'm really struggling. So I'm writing to let you all know so you can pray for me. Sometimes when I hurt, I become short tempered. Today I've yelled at my kids. They are now upstairs playing quietly. They are so very good for me when I'm really hurting bad. But I feel horrible for not being able to do things with them.  Sometimes, like today, I can't stand to be touched. It's so hard to not hug them, so I do & try not to jump out of my own skin as I do it. Hubby traveling makes it harder. He's not here to give me a break or to rub my tight muscles. I know it's hard on him too to know I'm hurting & he's not here.

One of the worst things about having fibromyalgia is how fast an episode hits you. One minute I'm doing great. The next I'm hurting more than words can express. When I'm hurting, it's hard to concentrate. I tend to get very quiet. It takes all my energy to concentrate on what others are saying which is why I tend to become reclusive on those days. This of course leads to a downward spiral if I'm not careful.  So I try to get active on Facebook or Twitter when I'm having a bad day so I concentrate on what others are doing & not just myself. I have lots of friends who have fibromyalgia. When I'm hurting, I know they are too. So I pray for them a lot! It gets my mind off me & onto them.

If you'd pass me in the store or on the street, you would never know the war that goes on within my body. Most days I hide it pretty well. Today, not so much. I know I was limping & moving slow at Bible study today. The girls also said it showed in my eyes. When you can see physical symptoms, you know I'm doing bad. I don't hide my pain to be deceptive. I hide it because I figure most people have their own problems & don't need to hear about my pain.

So, this is a rare glimpse inside of me! A small peek at what it's like to live with fibromyalgia. It's painful, but I'm thankful for this journey. Because of it, I've been able to reach out to others living in pain. I've become more compassionate to others who hurt. I've felt God's presence in such a real, comforting way. For when you are hurting & there's nothing a doctor can do, you turn to God. He may not have taken my physical pain away, but He's given me peace & comfort. I'm not alone in my struggle. God is right here with me. He gives me the strength to make it through these rough days. Without Him, I would have given up years ago!