Surprised by Fear

Ever think you have overcome one of your most paralyzing fears only to have it appear out of nowhere?

When my Jamie was 18 months old, we found out she had a peanut allergy. At age 3, she touched another child who had peanut butter on them at church. She then rubbed her nose/mouth. Her reaction started with a rash. Hubby & I each thought the other had given her Benedryl. Big mistake! 1 1/2 hr later Jamie has an anaphylactic reaction. This means her lungs were swelling as was her mouth & throat. She could barely breathe. I'm so thankful for her Epi-pen. Within 30 seconds of Hubby injecting it into her leg, you couldn't tell anything was wrong with her breathing.

After this reaction, I became paranoid that I would lose my baby. I was filled with fear whenever there was a situation where peanuts were involved. It was overwhelming. That is not how I wanted to live life. Fortunately we have a gracious God who took away most of that fear & helped me to see that I could only protect her so much & that I would have to trust her in His hands. I began to relax, even when peanuts or tree nuts (which we discovered later) were involved. I trusted that we were doing all we could to keep her safe. We warned others, we trained Jamie to ask if things had nuts in them & not to eat without our permission. We've made it almost 8 years now without a major reaction. I've probably had 5 years without the fear.

Wednesday night, that fear hit me with a vengeance. Due to a relaxedness on my part & oversight by those at church, we had a kids function with peanuts involved. I thought this would be a safe event. My guard was down. As we walked across the lobby to the cafe, I spotted the peanut covered ice-cream. I felt the fear grip me. It took all my strength not to grab the kids & run out the door we were passing. This would have meant very upset kids.

So I stuffed my fear down & walked with my kids into the cafe area. It was a very chaotic area with kids & adults everywhere. I told my kids not to touch anyone & not grab any ice-cream treat until I checked labels. The first box of assorted goodies had NO allergy labels at all. It contained the forbidden item. So everything in that box was out. Fortunately, they also had Icee push up type bars which where labelled with allergens. They were safe.

I got each of my kids one & even made sure another boy who has peanut allergies (his mom wasn't in that area at the time) got the safe Icee product. I sat them at a corner table where I could try to keep an eye on them to make sure no one who had nuts touch Jamie. No one approached our table, but I don't blame them. I probably didn't look too inviting. I was trying hard to keep the fear inside & not overreact & fall apart.

I prodded the kids to quickly finish & we made our escape. I was glad it was dark on the way home as I was crying. The fear had overwhelmed me & I had not handled the evening gracefully at all. I reacted in fear & not with God's peace. I had focused on the threat instead of God's protection. I thought I had moved past the fear. Once again, Satan had waited for the opportune time for my weakness to show & pounced on it & me. Once again, I let the fear overwhelm me without turning to God until I was almost totally engulfed.

I'm praising God today that He kept my Jamie safe without a single hive! I'm also praising Him that even thought I let the fear capture me, He didn't let it totally engulf me & enslave me! I learned that I need to turn to God the second the fear appears & not let it in. I also learned I need to not be lax on checking food for events we will be attending & need to remind Jamie's teachers & leaders about her allergies. When you don't live with the allergies, you don't always think about them.

Thoughts as Hubby packs...

I've been so blessed to have my wonderful Hubby home for the past 3 weeks. We've had some great family & couple time. I'm so thankful to God for this time together.

As I'm sitting here typing, Hubby is packing his tech. He leaves in 1 1/2 hrs for the airport. He's only gone 4 nights this week. Even though I know it's only a short time, I'm already missing him. You'd think by now, I would be used to this. But I don't know that I'll ever be used to him leaving me.

I find myself stopping a lot as I type to watch him pack. After 23 years together (almost 21 of marriage) I still like watching him. I continually thank God for him & for the fact that I am so in love with him. I see so many marriages around me either struggling or ending. I know that it is only because of God's grace we are not.

I'm so grateful that next week I will get the opportunity to travel with Hubby for 10 days! Can't wait to spend time in San Jose with my sweetheart! I am so blessed to have wonderful parents & in-laws who love to take our kids, even for 10 days!

As I think of Hubby's traveling, I am excited at the prospect of him being on this side of the country after New Years. Hopefully we will get to travel with him some as a family. All that family time plus wonderful field trip opportunities sounds awesome to me.

Well, Hubby's about done packing & will be leaving soon so I'm getting off here till later! Look for a post later this week on the Women's Retreat at our church & True Beauty.

Blindsided!

You'd think after living with Fibromyalgia for almost 15 years I would know how this disease works. But every once in awhile, I get blindsided with this disease!

With fibromyalgia, you have good days & bad days. Sometimes you have several good days in a row. When you have the good days, you tend to overdo because you feel so good.

Lots of things can cause you to have a bad day. Overdoing is just one of them. Weather also plays a big part in how you feel. My body is a human barometer! I can feel storm systems before they move in to the area. Storms tend to make me feel achy. Being very busy or very stressed can also cause flare-ups. Not sleeping well can cause flare-ups. When you combine everything, you have the makings for a severe flare-up.

Normally when I have a busy week, I build in time to rest. This week I did not do that. I went from activity to activity with little time for rest. We stayed up late, got up early & had constant activities going on. Plus, I was feeling really good. I had very little pain.

Having very little pain lures me into a false sense of everything being ok & I don't need to rest. This morning I woke up feeling horrid. I felt exhausted & achy all over. This put me in a very bad mood because I wasn't expecting it. Also my mind is very foggy. I think this is worse than the pain. When my mind is foggy, even the easiest tasks become hard.

Fortunately, my Hubby is home this week & has been working with the kids on schoolwork. His help has made this day bearable.

Note to self: The next time you have a really busy schedule remember you are going to flare!
Note to everyone: Please excuse errors in this as spelling & grammar go out the window during fibro-fog!

Things never go as planned

I think God must laugh at me & all my plans a lot! I think He's trying to teach me to let go & just go with life as it happens. So originally, Hubby was to be home the first 2 weeks of this month, 1 of those alone with me. That got changed as he ended up spending the 1st week in Denver (our alone week). Then Hubby was to go to California the last 3 weeks of the month & I was to spend 10 of those days with him. Well, that got changed! He ended up not going & instead spent another week in Denver. And now he is home for 3 weeks. 


I'm learning not to hold on to the plans I've made. I could be mad because plans fell through. I could pout, but what good would that do. So now I'm moving on. It looks like I'm going to get some alone time with Hubby next week thanks to our wonderful parents! And it's even looking like I'll get to go to California with Hubby around my birthday. But if it doesn't work out, I'm ok with it. 


I'm seeing that God's plans are better. We have been having some great family time this week. Having Hubby home has helped the kids alot. I sometimes forget that his travel is as hard on them as it is on me. So this extra time he has at home is very good. 


God's plans are always better than mine. In Jeremiah 29:11 it says "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  I can always trust in God's plans! Proverbs 3:5-6 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.”  So even when I can't understand why my plans have changed, I can trust God is leading me where He wants. Even though I make plans, I'm leaving the actual path I travel up to God. Proverbs 16:9 says “A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” 


I've mentioned this song before, but I love the song "I'm Letting Go" by Francesca Battistelli. I think it's because God has been teaching me to let go! Here's the chorus:

I’m letting go

Of the life I planned for me

And my dreams

Losing control

Of my destiny

Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe

So I’m letting go

I also really like Francesca's song "Unpredictable" as it reminds me that God is bigger than I am & His plans & thoughts are so much bigger & broader than I could ever imagine.

When I know that I know

What You have down the road

When I’m sure that

I’ve figured You out

Help me see that I’m small

That I can’t know it all

‘Cause You’re so unpredictable

So when things don't seem to be going as planned, just let go of your plans & trust God! It is hard at first, but the more you let go & just trust, the easier it gets. This unpredictable life is so exciting. God means for it to be exciting. He wants to lead us on paths we never would have dreamed & wants to stretch us farther than we've ever been stretched. Yes, it is scary sometimes! I so want to cling to the familiar & routine. But when I let go, I've been amazed by what God does through me & for me!

August is almost here!!!!

No real purpose for this post except I'm sitting at McDonald's letting the kids play so thought I'd update you on all the excitement in our house. It's really quite boring so I won't blame you if you stop reading! ;-)

Hubby is in Oakland, CA and will be home tomorrow. Kids & I went to my friend Cami's today to see the fall line of Thirty-One products. The kids enjoyed playing with Garrett & Mason and I'm loving some of the new Thirty-One products & know how I'm spending some of my birthday money at end of September! Now we are at McDonald's. I'm so thankful my wonderful Hubby sets aside money for us to get out of the house & come here. It's a sanity saver during the summer when we don't have Word of Life or Bible study during the week.

I can't believe August is right around the corner. Next week is a big week for David. On Sunday, we take him to Springhill for his first week of summer camp. He is excited but I'm a little nervous. I know he will have a blast & my dad knows everyone down there so I know he will be safe. I'm praying he has a great time & that God gets ahold of his heart!

The girls will also be gone next week as they are going to Kokomo to Hubby's parents. Their church is having VBS & the girls love going to it. Hubby was supposed to have the week off, but a trainer shortage means he has to go to Denver for the week to teach. I would have loved having him to myself for a week, but that will have to wait. Instead, I will be working on homeschool planning all week.

The 2nd week of August finds Hubby home for a week of family time. Lots of Wii & evening movies at home are planned.

Then Hubby is off to California again. This time to Santa Ana for 2 weeks straight. The great part about this is that I get to join him for 10 of those days. So thankful for parents & in-laws who will watch our kids & neighbors/friends who watch our house! I'm so looking forward to time with Hubby (2 days of which he doesn't have to work!!!) alone!

So as you can see our August is full. So excited that it is almost here!